Mirawnuuk aani Alienation

Featured image: Edward Hopper, New York Movie

आज अनंत चतुर्दशी, so obviously, छोट्या buildings च्या गणपतींपासून मानाच्या गणपतींपर्यंत सर्वांच्या मिरवणुका… तशीच माझ्या building च्या गणपती ची पण मिरवणूक होती. In fact, ती अजूनही चालू आहे (I can hear the ढोल–ताशा roar even as I type).

असो. I’ll switch to English now.

So I went downstairs for the मिरवणूक. It was exhilarating – people dancing their hearts out, the पुणेरी ढोल beat making your heart thump inside your chest, the energy hanging in the air, in the atmosphere. I was smiling while watching the पथक play – initially, that is – later, the smile got wiped off my face and was replaced by a frown – I had just had an epiphany…

I would’ve danced with those present there, if only I had been better friends with them, if I had known them better. No, wait, that wasn’t the epiphany; the epiphany was the thought that followed: Why didn’t I know most of the people present there very well? I have lived in this place for the last thirteen or so years – time enough to have made at least half a dozen pals. And yet… And yet I had none (well, nobody my age or thereabouts anyhow, and nobody right now – there’s always Palo, who is currently studying in Delhi). What had stopped me from being social in Woodland (that’s the name of the housing society in which I live, if you didn’t guess)? This was followed by another question: What had stopped me from being social in general?

Now it’s not like I don’t have friends at all. On the contrary, I have a whole lot of them – the normal, healthy amount (or so I think, hehe). But I don’t hang out with them a lot. I don’t hang out with anybody in general. I like being by myself.

Ugh, I’m not being able to phrase this properly.

Okay, let me try by giving an example or two:
On most days, when all lectures in college are done, I simply pack my bag, briefly say my goodbyes and go home, whereas most people hang out for some time before leaving. If I reach the studio early for spin class, instead of chatting with other riders, I just read a book till the session begins (I have a book on me in some format or another at almost any given time). Sometimes, I don’t answer my phone even when it rings right in my hand, because I don’t feel like talking (I don’t do this very often, by the way, don’t get hurt and all if I have ever missed any of your calls).

“Why is this?”, I wonder. What turned me into this isolated little creature? I don’t even feel bad about it, that’s what’s funny. The closest I come to feeling sad because of my alienation is on occasions such as today, when I see people being super-social, while at the same time, seeming completely okay with being super-social (seriously, what is up with that???). And on such occasions, I feel uneasy (uneasiness stemming from dealing with the unfamiliar), not sad.

From what my parents and grandparents tell me, I was always like this – reserved, isolated, laid back, et cetera. Maybe I was. Or maybe, in the very beginning, I wasn’t. Maybe this behaviour evolved over the years – starting because of my innate laziness, gradually increasing because of how shy I used to be as a kid, because books started seeming more comforting than humans, because my parents’ single child syndrome didn’t let them allow me to go to summer camp (no hard feelings, Aai – I wouldn’t have fit in anyway, I guess), or so much as meet people within Woodland at 9 pm on a Saturday (parents be like, “इतके दिवस तर तुझे इथे कोणी friends नव्हते. एक्दम कुठून आले? त्यांना आत्ता भेटायला जायची काय गरज आहे?” lol). Because of a thousand other things.

Whatever the reasons, the fact still remains – I feel like an outsider on more occasions than is usual for most people. I have always felt this way, so much so that I’m used to it now and I’m cool with it. Only, this feeling has been getting stronger. Now it’s strong enough to make me want to write a blog post about it. I guess the reason behind that is that this isolation has become familiar to me now and that I’m old enough to contemplate it, describe it (and also because I’ve been reading Kafka and Salinger lately, hehe).

Coming back to the मिरवणूक… Now I know why I was smiling while watching it; it was out of a mixture of rue, confusion and conformity… and pride, of course… मी शेवटी पुणेकर आहे!